WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking decisive action to stem a spiraling crisis, on Tuesday the White House replaced an asshole with a different asshole. Stephen Miller, widely regarded as the senior asshole in the Trump administration, masterminded the sociopath substitution, White House sources said. Minutes after the decision was made to swap psychos, Miller assembled an array of qualified miscreants in the White House Situation Room, including Kristi Noem, Pete Hegseth, Pam Bondi, Karoline Leavitt, and Marco Rubio. “Anyone who thinks this administration is going to run out of assholes any time soon better think again,” Miller told reporters. “We have a very deep bench.” The Borowitz Report continues to publish thanks to the support of readers like you. © 2026 Andy Borowitz |